Love doesn't live here anymore

Rome, 2006

To all people around seeking for the new truth in their life. 

Friends, I hope you will find it but, mostly, I hope you will really find yourselves.

Love and hate

Walter Maracineanu, 2010

I have (and always had) a very close relationship to my mother.  It was as close as it was distant the one with my father. I don't know if this was the reason or it happened in compensation but the sure thing is that I am close with my mother. She has always been around and always been there for me and my family for good and for bad.

I will be 40 next year and she's still around, living practically in our house, helping us raising my 3 kids. She's one of the reasons I have achieved so much in my life. Not only because of the education given by her (under very difficult family environment) but also for the great help and support offered in last years when I had to do a lot of work. And if you wondered how I can afford the time to travel alone or with Cami, now you know the reason.

I love her. And I owe her greatly. I am extremely fortunate to have this kind of mother. But sometimes it's overwhelming. The exacerbated feeling of duty, the continuous worry for all the things in the world she constantly transmits makes her proximity difficult. Especially when it comes in opposition with my desperate attempt to reduce the stress and rhythm of my life.

But 9 out of 10 times when I feel this is too overwhelming I remember that is not about her. Its about what life left from her, my father and their relationship in my soul and personality and how do I perceive everybody's behavior (including her) related my own psychologic features. I have worked very much and hard to understand how and why this happened but is still very difficult to remember and adapt. And every time I fail, I regret it very much.  

Merry Christmas

Fragility

Delicate Arch, Utah, 2008

Tomorrow will be the 23rd day since I started this blog. Enough to ask myself a couple of times why I am doing this? I have started this out of a sudden impulse. I had the idea while brushing my teeth in the morning and, by 10 AM, I had already the blog design and the first post up. It just popped out of me. An then just kept going with 2-3 posts / day. Not bad for one of the most busy persons I know :) So, why the doubt?

Maybe is because of the year end tired feeling in my whole body, maybe because I had to face some criticism about my posts. Maybe is just human nature to question, doubt and be insecure sometimes about decisions. We are fragile. The great gift of thinking made us one of the most fragile beings on the planet.

The one thing I am sure about this blog is that I am his first reader. And as fragile as I might look to others I will continue this until I will be sure I have reached my purpose. (Has somebody counted the "I"s?)

De cealalta parte a zidului ...

Beethoven Choral Fantasy

The dream country

 Sagres, 2010

We love Portugal. Went there many times and enjoyed every time. People, places, weather, landscape, prices :) Cami is dreaming to live in Portugal. I actually started to think how we would do this. Money, job, house, kids. As you can imagine, a hard to solve equation.

Which reminds me that I had similar equations to solve many times in my life so far and, for different reasons, I always solved them by abandoning the thought. I could have stayed in France in 1995 pulling out a new scholarship after finishing the one in Grenoble. But I had to come back to my ex-girlfriend. I could have stayed in Germany in 1998 when my aunt insisted that I should stay there. But I could not stand her more than 3 days ... I could have tried Canada as many of my friends and colleagues around but my parents would have been destroyed. 

My former high school colleagues have very interesting debates about why and why not someone should leave Romania. I always was ambiguous about it. Not too clear about why I should leave, not too determined to find a way. I stayed and I don't regret it as my great family and professional world are here.

What is clear for me is that I have (so far) 2 most preferred places on this planet. One is  SouthWest in USA and I will visit it until exhaustion and second is Portugal. And we will live there sometimes.

Too many lost chances

Viena, 2010

Your place on the map

Bucharest, 2009 @ Mihai Dumbravescu, Marius Hanganut

In the summer of 2009 I had to spend one week in the hospital making some investigations because some recent heart condition suspicions. It turn to be an isolated event due to extreme fatigue and accumulated stress. But it has raised a BIG question mark on how I (but I guess this is valid for most of us striving through this very difficult and hectic times) live my life.

My case was typical. Nearly 40, busy manager, stressful life, high profile job, 3 kids, a house recently build, many private businesses. Zero care for personal health, food selection, sport activity or relaxation. Even holidays were furtive, busy and usually in rush.

As easy as it had been, the event was like a cold shower. I had one week then and many months after to think and reconsider my life. And I did. I did not stopped the rhythm (it would have been difficult), I did not left home and live the kids alone (God forbidden). I did the only thing which was actually missing. I put myself on the map.

Found time for personal care and interests. Mentally and physically. Started going to the gym regularly, taking some yoga lessons, allocated time for my hobbies, traveled more alone or with my wife. And, most of all, limited the amount of stress I allowed myself to accumulate. How? Just by not taking personally. 

So, here I am, 18 months later, taking a much busy, higher responsibility & stressful job and being cool about it. Being involved 500% but without stress. And smiling. Because I know where I have put myself on the map. Do you?

 

Forgive all of our sins

Viena, 2010