Feminine Nature

Sarata Monteoru, 2004

I never had a boyfriend when I was a kid. A real one, in the very straightforward meaning of the word. Never experienced friendship between boys. Only later, when I was a teenager I started to discover affinities in books, music with some of my colleagues (Liviu, are you around?).

Maybe because I was a good child. Like very conventional, always listening to my mother (have you notice I never mention my father in this kind of memories?), never doing crazy, foolish, childish, stupid things kind of child. In the primary school, when my colleagues were playing football with empty cans during breaks, I was staying with the girls. I never did sports, went to a single camp in 15 years.

On the other hand, I have always been good with girls. Not in the Casanova way, not even close, but in the I-know-what-you-are-feeling kind of way. I am very well organized, very sharp in observing details, careful with personal  appearance. I am empathic, intuitive and having a caring approach to people. 

Some of my advisers opinionated that I have a feminine nature. I am very sure of that too. I don't really know why.  Just know I am like that. Sometimes it helps me. Sometimes it doesn't. But I deal with that easily especially after I realized and accepted it.

But now I have a 2 y.o. son, a blond angel, living in a house full of women (2 sisters, one mother, one grandmother and the nanny). I am buying him tons of cars (which he likes) and balls. I can't stop him of being interested in what her sisters are doing with the lipsticks and makeups. I am often coming home after he goes to bed and have very few moments with him during a working week.

So I will have to work hard and be there for him as a masculine presence and model. But is not easy. I started by fighting the women around still dressing him with purple "bodies" because he still can use some of the sisters casual clothes. Will be a long distance run. Am I too paranoid about it?

The Silent Scream. Great lyrics, no music. Every Tuesday.

I have climbed highest mountains
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you
Only to be with you
I have run
I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls
These city walls
Only to be with you

I have kissed honey lips
Felt the healing in her fingertips
It burned like a fire
This burning desire

I have spoke with the tongue of angels
I have held the hand of a devil
It was warm in the night
I was cold as a stone

I believe in the Kingdom Come
Then all the colors will bleed into one
Bleed into one
But yes I'm still running

You broke the bonds
And you loosed the chains
Carried the cross
Of my shame
Oh my shame
You know I believe it

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

U2

The sun sees us all the same

Starcom Office, 2002

Too old to learn

Cheia, 2004

In 2004, when my former boss asked me to start a new division in the agency, in a direction I knew (excuse my french) shit about it, I went back to school. It was a distance school program from UK. Because of the urgent business need for skills I entered a 12 month program (instead of 24). It was very difficult. I was working anyway 1 out of 2 weekends because of huge workload and, at the time, I was having only Runa as a kid.

Obviously I was late. So, when I had no real space left, no more than 7 days before submitting an assignment, I took my folders, my laptop and went for 5 days alone in the mountains to study and write. It was one of a kind experience. I went to Cheia, it was February, heavy snow and cold. I was the only guest in the main hotel for 4 days, they could not run the central heating only for a customer so they brought me an electric heater in the room. I was going 3 times a day to eat, the cook was coming only for me, I was eating alone, winter dressed while looking at movies on my laptop. All alone.

For 4 days I read tons of files, books and notes. I was writing like a lunatic, going out only to eat. It was blizzard outside, extremely cold and nobody in the whole resort. After that period I decided that I am much too old to learn. At least not this type of learning. Recently I played with the idea of doing of MBA but I have decided against, mainly because, with my big family and busy professional schedule, it would have meant to do this, again, on my family and personal time.

Coming back to Cheia, after the 5 days I crossed the mountains and joined my colleagues team-building in Fundatica, the highest village in Romania. There I found out that I will be never too old to learn about myself and other people and, mostly about the huge power of personal belief.

When you see those women striving to the church at -20C degrees through the blizzard, staying in the stone cold church for hearing the priest just to give each other some of the things they cooked, it is impressive. I am proud I faced the cold to take this images. I am not proud that during the same day I broke the clutch of my new 4x4 car. But that's a shameful story for some other time.

Lost Memories

Bucuresti, 2007

I have no memories below age of 12, meaning 6th grade. Nothing.  Just some flashes of a bulky Volga taxi's backseat they put me into rushing to the emergency room when I fell with my butt in a piece of glass. Not the pain, not what happened to the hospital, just the taxi.

I know many things about the period from what my mother and relatives are telling me, from the old family pictures, but I don't remember a single thing.

I don't know if this is normal or not. Cami is remembering from the age of 3. Over the years I have developed an obsession about it. I have tried many things, made a lot of efforts and unfortunately a lot of suppositions.

Like any other activity when you dig for something, some other things will pop up. I had good surprises, bad surprises and discovered  some things I am not very proud of and will take me a lot of time to integrate.

However, the discovering journey it is a destination in itself. But, thank you U2, I still haven't found what I am looking for. Have you?

Snow is coming ...

Simon, 2006

Rule of thirds

Feeling like an actor on a giant scene. 

The walls seems so colorful that audience loose sense of the performance.

Photographic Modjo (My empty photo website)

I love photography. For those of you  knowing me or patient enough to click around this blog, this might be obvious already. I have started seriously taking pictures 9-10 years ago. 


I do not have enough time to dedicate to it, therefore my subjects were always my 3 kids and my holidays. In late years I started doing photo dedicated holidays like my last tours in American Southwest. 


I have invested a fortune in photo gear including my own photo studio in my basement. Probably to compensate the lack of time. I am quite knowledgeable about technical side of photography and I have a full library of photo books of famous photographers.


People and friends looking at my pictures says I am quite good at it. Photos posted on my Facebook account usually gets visited, commented and liked. My wife started her blog mainly on the pictures I am taking.


But I never had the courage to do a personal exhibition or to build my own photo website. Actually my wife built it but I am still resistant to populate it with images. I like most of the pictures I take, I put my heart into them when pressing the shutter or post process them. I have tons of them (see picture). But I am still considering myself conventional, obvious and too direct in what I transmit through them. 

I still haven't found my photographic modjo. I would appreciate your sincere critiques and advices on that matter.

Most inspired gift

Just received it tonight from Cami

 A cup featuring a Canon 24-105 IS L lens !!!

vs. original

 

I just love it !!!

 

Naked

Have you ever had the feeling that someone can really see inside yourself? 

Like taking a look at you, spending some time and then tell you the most intimate details of your soul and mind?

How would that affect you?

To me is scary. There will be no place to hide, no excuse to make after that.