The Silent Scream. Great lyrics, no music. Every Tuesday.

All this feels strange and untrue
And I won't waste a minute without you
My bones ache, my skin feels cold
And I'm getting so tired and so old

The anger swells in my guts
And I won't feel these slices and cuts
I want so much to open your eyes
'Cause I need you to look into mine

Get up, get out, get away from these liars
'Cause they don't get your soul or your fire
Take my hand, knot your fingers through mine
And we'll walk from this dark room for the last time

Every minute from this minute now
We can do what we like anywhere
I want so much to open your eyes
'Cause I need you to look into mine

Tell me that you'll open your eyes
 
SNOW PATROL

St. Nicolas's Garage

Bucuresti, 2010

I got 18 cars in 11 years. Had my first one when I was 27 and I met my wife. It was her car, an old Oltcit. There is something with me and cars and would not say that is just a boy stuff. It couldn't be just that. As you can imagine I lost a small fortune only from just buying and reselling some many cars.

It was a madness. Every 6 months I was starting to scrutinize auto websites falling in love with some new model. I was reading all auto magazines, knowing everything about every new model, going to dealers, comparing prices, looking after them in the streets. My wife was exhausted, but still understanding. She was changing her car every time I was deciding to change it (imagine  her going from a Mini to a BMW 5 estate series). But why?

If you are interested in dreams, you might now that the cars means affect, feelings. Was I trying to fulfill a subconscious need of being loved? I am considering myself a lucky man as I am loved by (almost) everybody. Was I trying to impress? Probably, as I kept buying bigger, faster and fancier cars. But I am not really a show off person. Was I trying to adapt the car to my ever growing family :)? Probably, but not totally true as I bought a 2 doors sport car soon after I heard I will have my 3rd kid. 

I don't know the real answer. What I know is that there are 3 years since I last bought a car and 2 years since I last sold one. I consider myself wise and mature now and buying a car only when needed.

Hmm, then how do you explain my garage in the basement? Freshly bought from USA, just in time for St. Nicolas.

No arguing relationship

I am priding myself of being married for 11 years and not having a single argument (n.b. cearta) with my wife. OK, we had one but was with a good outcome (Mara, my second daughter) and I do not count it :).

My secret? It's simple: 

1. Unconditional love 

2. 100% respect 

3. Whenever you feel like arguing, shut your mouth and think again. It will never come out on the same tone and you will find smoother ways to make your point without arguing.

Sometimes, I fail. I let the stress, the outside factors interfere with our life and thoughts. And even if we don't end up arguing (she's very wise about it too) I regret it every time. But points #1 & #2 will always be true.

What prevents us from being fully ourselves?

A great interview with Lise Bourbeau. Check her book too. You may find it in Romanian also.

Father & Son

Balilesti, 2010, @ Marian Iorga

I had a very difficult relationship with my father.  For as long as I remember back in my childhood and until 2 years ago when I was emotionally mature enough to set a kind of relationship which allow us at least to stay in touch.

Reasons are multiple. Both sides. From him being away or absent for too long, from me taking a too decided side during my parents divorce 7 years ago, to him not knowing how to establish an emotional relationship and me being too proud to understand and accept him. Details are too personal and not really important. That's a very common story unfortunately these days.

There were and still are many marks left in my soul, mind and personality by this situation. It took me more than 3 years to analyze, understand and accept what happened and how was I affected since childhood by that. Now I am calm and cool about it. Not upset, nor mad. No regrets or desire to for any kind of revenge.

Just a wise understanding and acceptance. And a commitment in front of my own conscience that my son will not have any reason to write this kind of things 30 years from now.

Ode to imperfections

A very sad and touchy video but a reminder of how imperfections in our life are sometimes the ones which makes it great

My interior desert

Monument Valley, Utah 2008

Last 4 years were particularly difficult in our life with many, many events, both good or difficult. October 2008 was the moment when, within the same month Radu, our 3rd child was born, we finished building and moved into our new house and I have changed my job. It was a bit too much for me. I was exhausted physically, emotionally and mentally. So I left.

Second day after we moved into the new house I left my wife (and my mother) with 100 huge boxes in the basement, 3 kids, last one being 1 month old. I left for my beloved desert in American Southwest. But actually I left to found myself my interior desert.

I was 5 times in USA, 4 of them on the axis Mohave Desert, Grand Canyon, Lake Powell, Canyonlands. It is something with attracts me irresistibly there. Some might say I have lived there in my other life. I just think I like the freedom given to me by the wild, huge desert landscapes. It's dry, dusty, reddish but I feel like breathing there. Have you remarked my words? Freedom, Space, Breathe.

There is a well know difference between men and women but few of us and much few of the couples are able to remember and respect. Women need attachment, Men need space. Personal space. It can be a place, a hobby, going out with the boys, sport, any way in which he can be for some time alone. Men need to stay away and just be alone. It does not mean that commitment is dropping or any other type of misbehavior. It's just human nature.

To all my women readers today, married or not, but especially for the first ones, give your man some space. He will go away and come back 10 times more attached and loving.

I know, Cami is an angel. Not only for surviving my trips, but for understanding me in all my "madness". My trips, my outrageous expenditures on photo gear, my 20+ cars in 10 years and the list is much longer. Is she happy? Have a look

The book I would have written

Just bought it this evening. Will keep you posted !

Mss. Croatian Taxi Driver

Sirminone, 2008

Yesterday was a good day. A crazy, hectic, tiring but good day. I had my first company board meeting in my new professional role. Both planes to Vienna were delayed because of snow but I made it home one hour after midnight, enough to get 5 hours of sleep before this Friday. Meeting was good. I have prepared and delivered some presentations, discussed them for 3 hours. Relatively smooth and friendly.

In any case not according to the HUGE pressure, preparation and tension I had experienced in the weeks before. I spend nights, weekends trying to work out every detail, every PowerPoint line and table being afraid that I might not convince those guys or forget a detail or an answer. Even after the meeting was over I was scrutinizing for flaws in my presentation, still feeling tense.

And here we are, meeting finished, taking a taxi to the airport. An orange Prius, partially-electric car. Young women as a driver. Perfect English. Lovely smile, addictive laughing. Driving like a cowboy. Gas pedal to the floor, flashing everybody, horning. "Fuckers, oops sorry". Trying to overpass everybody everywhere. Can you imagine this, in the quiet, decent, respectful Vienna? I couldn't. Someone was driving reasonably fast in front. "Haideee..." WHAT? That's a Romanian word. "Oh, no I am a Croatian, and this is the way I like to drive, this is who I am". And the police? "Catch me if you can, I am an excellent driver, I have no fear".

Indeed she hadn't any. Living as she liked, laughing. Why shouldn't she? Why shouldn't I? Or you? She had no fear of failing. Why should you? I guess is a straight forward conclusion to this: "You are good, be confident, be yourself, don't be afraid of failure"

It's amazing how many life lessons one might get in a taxi, we should tell those stories more often.

Road to Perfection

Utah, 2010

Interesting talk on yesterday. How much in your life you seek for perfection? How much energy and commitment do you put on achieving it? And, more important, how much desperation and failure feelings do you experience when you think you haven't reach it?

Perfection is like the infinite line. It exists, it is there, but you can't reach it. So if you are a "perfectionist" like I am, allow yourself some space. You will never reach it and the real danger is to assume failure.

The real perfection would be a continuous improvement. And I salute all of you who did not stop to improve yourselves in whatever areas you think you have to.

To all my colleagues reading this: Don't be to relaxed because of it :)