Perfect or not

DESELECT & REPLACE

2012-02-09T23:28:00.000+02:00

X100, Self portrait

Last Xmas I spoiled myself with a fancy, outstandingly good, old fashion new camera. I enjoyed using it over the winter holiday and then I lost it in Prague. Together with some outstanding pictures taken in the rainy and then sunny Prague. I have left it in the taxi which took me to the airport, tribute to my ever agitated state and, maybe, to the 3 beers I had before with my good friends Florin and Marketa. It was a loss very hard to swallow.

Obviously, after assimilating the frustration of the loss, I took this as an opportunity and look for replacement. Starting to make all kind of analysis about which camera, which systems, what features, budget, where to purchase from and so on. It was all about REPLACEMENT. Or, at least, I thought so. I was just not able to agree with myself on any solution and kept agitating myself to a state of increased entropy for more than 2 weeks.

And somehow, raising above the inner noise, I remembered a thought marked on a corner of my mind by the MIT entrepreneurial skills training course. DESELECT. Good and focused entrepreneurs and managers are able to deselect the amount of things they are tempted to do and try.

Should this be the solution in our private life also? Are you able to Deselect out of the countless things you are doing and focus on the most important? Are you able to stream among the countless thoughts and wishes and impulses and focus on the ones which are feeding your spirit and happiness?

The answer it is obviously a personal one. No universal solution. But I feel I should DESELECT more and REPLACE less.

Breakfree Anniversary

2011-11-29T21:58:00.001+02:00

Precisely one year ago, I was starting this blog. I was looking for a way and a place to clear my thoughts and lay out my concerns about me, world, life and other spiritual matters. And share some of my pictures ;) And break free from my inner ghosts. I called this perfect or not as a reminder that perfection does not exists but can be aspired to.

Sometimes, we need one round number to achieve our goals. One might need a year, one might need a month. Another one might need one hundred of experiences and still circle around. But, here comes a day when everything becomes clear and easy.

Happy Breakfree my friends !

Finishing the 100 race

2011-10-31T21:16:00.000+02:00

Delta Dunarii, Oct 2011

Tomorrow I will be one year old in my not-so-new-anymore job. Time to draw lines and make reports. To bosses, to market, to colleagues but mostly to me. And I feel the race is over and it's time for me to settle for a new, calm, committed, involved and wise period.

Time to spread the wings and fly peacefully!

Finding your way in

2011-10-06T14:01:00.000+03:00

Bucharest 2011, @Camelia Vasile

Do you know Heloween's song?

"People tell me A and B / they tell me how I have to see / Things that I have seen already clear / so they push me then from side to side / they're pushing me from black to white / they're pushing'til there's nothing more to hear / I want out ..."

Isn't it funny how most of us rely on others for the important personal things in life? Things like happiness, balance, well being. We live our lives leaded by external factors, ghosts of the past, social behavior guidelines, circumstances, global economy and other randoms factors we can't influence. And when things became complicated and uncontrollable all we want is to get out. To leave, to change, to modify our exterior reality and find a different circumstance that will make us happy again.

Not that I am expert of doing differently, but what I know for sure is that this path is wrong. The happiness is not to be find elsewhere but inside me. And if I am able to do that, all the other circumstances will either become irrelevant, either I will find the interior force to influence them the way I want.

It is about finding your way in, rather than your way out. And sometimes this means to give up to any social constrains and climb into child swing in a park next to your kids and trash your suit shoes into the sand.

Look inside and be happy my friends!

Plan it over!

2011-10-04T22:09:00.001+03:00

One thing I am very good at is to make plans. To take an idea and develop into a plan. And is always about challenge. Not in the corporate way (even though I had and gave my share of that speech also, right folks?) It's about challenge but more on the take it to the edge kind of challenge.

And anytime I feel I am on the edge, I am taking a block notes and a pen and I start writing plans. Breaking ideas into actions, listing, prioritizing. I even had chosen to go after my wife based on excel plan (I AM NOT KIDDING) but that's a story for other time.

But kidding left apart, writing those down it does me good. Miraculously good. Meaning that I am suddenly clear and focused, knowing where and how I want to go and do it. And always ready for a new beginning. Even if this means to take it from where it ended and plan for a change.

Down from cloud No 9

2011-10-03T22:57:00.000+03:00

Bucuresti, 2011

You wake up one morning and see the red sun trying to wake up, screaming its joy for life in all kind of reds and you realize it can't go happier than that. And looking at the sky colors washing out as the light becomes vertical and harsh you realize, yet again, that even the brightest light it's sometimes not interesting.

So, I am asking you my friends, should someone ever chase the morning light, making all kind of efforts to wake up again and again, or should settle for the comfortable, easy to reach mid day light?

Here I go again

2011-08-28T22:02:00.000+03:00

See you in one week

40

2011-07-28T01:09:00.000+03:00

So, I reached this point. It's has been a perfect day! Thank you all!

Perfect Weekend

2011-07-24T22:30:00.000+03:00

The clear sky of Heaven

2011-07-21T21:53:00.000+03:00

This morning, our, but mostly, my mother's cat passed away. He was 19 y.o. and has resisted the last 3 years only by my mother heroic care and compassion. We buried him in a pet cemetery and it was a very sad moment.

However, I am not sure if for other reason, the sky was particularly clear and beautiful today over the city.

Rest in peace, old friend. I will miss you. As I miss Pic.

The Thin Red Line

2011-07-18T22:26:00.000+03:00

"This great evil. Where does it come from? How'd it steal into the world? What seed, what root did it grow from? Who's doin' this? Who's killin' us? Robbing us of life and light. Mockin' us with the sight of what we might've known. Does our ruin benefit the earth? Does it help the grass to grow, the sun to shine? Is this darkness in you, too? Have you passed to this night"

Terrence Malik

Like father, like brother, like son

2011-07-13T21:58:00.000+03:00

Poiana Brasov, 2011

2 weeks away from my 40's anniversary and 2 months away of my son's 3rd, I got a surprise visit at office today. My step brother. As I had to do much of the talking, I was lucky to find a surprising use for the toy red cars collection I keep in my office.

Of course he's only 6 and innocent. And of course, our common father came with him.

Ain't life weird?

Happy 1st of June for all the kids in and around you

2011-06-01T17:35:00.000+03:00

Eneagram your name

2011-05-31T15:25:00.000+03:00

3 years of talks, discussions, analyzes, test, trials and errors.

One day somebody draws a diagram and

everything comes to place as never before.

Am I The Observer or what?

Thank you Doc!

See it before OTV does

2011-05-30T22:40:00.000+03:00

Hi Everybody, long time no seen. Apologies for the long absence without explanations for the time being.

We went out of Bucharest last weekend for a family time, as The Fairy's already told you in her Saturday Report. Here below you may find some images from an amazing, little known place called Corbii de Piatra. It is a monastery carved into stone around year 1500.

Amazing place, full of history, energy and positive spirit.

By an unhappy coincidence, the daily Romanian reality stroke us right upon the exit when a huge crowd was gathered in front of the entrance surrounding the public figure of Dan Diaconescu, the OTVs guru (Romanian tabloid TV station). I am not interested what and when he will broadcast about the place. Just regret I could not stand him, to stay long enough next to him :) as we caught something his local guide presentation and it has a fabulously interesting.

But the whole story reminded me of this famous advertising

for a publishing house.

"Read it before Hollywood does"

Same Park, Different Girl, Same Flower, Different Lens

2011-04-30T20:56:00.000+03:00

Runa, Age 3, IOR Park, 135 mm, F2, Evening Light

Mara, Age 5, IOR Park, 35 mm, F2, Morning Light

The magic light of Botanical Garden

2011-04-23T21:29:00.000+03:00

Every spring we go there to see the flowers and every fall to see the colors. Magic place, magic light.

Happy Easter Everybody!

Spring is finally here

2011-04-21T23:50:00.000+03:00

Tomorrow we will visit the Botanical Garden.

Stay tuned!

Non business hours

2011-04-19T22:27:00.000+03:00

6:45 AM, 15 min after sunrise. Shy, low power sun but just enough to start heating the night moisture and form a small layer of mist over the water.

Ernest F. Coe Visitor's Center,

Everglades National Park, Florida

The third place

2011-04-18T23:24:00.002+03:00

Tamiami trail, Everglades, Florida

For me this used to be, and still is, the desert.

But here is a glimpse of my Miami trip.

Water and sun.

Will be back soon with more.

Second Life

2011-04-05T21:36:00.002+03:00

Starting today I will change this blog. I will talk less about me, my doubts and my feelings. I will show you more of my pictures and I will try to tell you the story of the picture, the way I took it, what I had in mind when taking it or, and hopefully more interesting, the way I look at it.

Paris 2004

For years I had changed and changed and changed again various photo gear trying to find the perfect lens, the perfect camera. I always knew the very truth about the fact that photography is about seeing the light and having the eye but, over the years, I kept being preoccupied more on the technical side of photography and less about finding my artistic modjo. I recently decided to give it another try. No, I will not sell my gear to restart from an FM2 but I will be more concerned about the image's message than its technical aspects.

Image above is taken below Tour Eiffel with one of my worst camera's ever. It was 9:00 AM and thousands of people were filling the area. Somehow, I managed to find some peace and capture the spirit of tower's silhouette and mystery. Or better, I like to think I did.

Blowing in the wind

2011-03-30T22:46:00.000+03:00

"How many roads must a man walk down, before you call him a man?

.....
Yes and how many times can a man turn his head, and pretend that he just doesn't see.
......

How many times must a man look up, before he can reach in the sky"

I guess we all know the answer.

Half of a second

2011-03-29T22:55:00.000+03:00

Paris, 2004

Sometimes, your entire life might depend on what you decide to do or not in a half of a meter. Or a second. It might have been better or it might have been worst. But you never know because you hesitated.

For those of you still hesitating, reach out and fill in that half of a meter separating you from your happiness. Then, like us, you will be able then to go the whole nine yards and still hold on to it.

Make your decision !

Could that Frabjous Day be Today?

2011-03-28T21:13:00.000+03:00

@Disney

Pepe & Oana lost it

2011-03-25T19:01:00.000+02:00

Guys, there is hope.

Although scored double than my post 30 min earlier, Pepe & Oana experiment is nowhere in my weekly traffic. I would have bet it will rock the sky.

So, thank you, YOU ROCK !

Kwisatz Haderach

2011-03-24T22:15:00.000+02:00

Paris, Notre Dame, 2004

Did you ever had a feeling that you are interpreting different roles in different areas of your life? Like having a mask for every role you perform. You wear the mask for your job, one for the family, one for the moment you need to go socialize, lately even one mask for your online personality.

Could this be possible? Would this be then real? Sometimes I feel so teared apart into so many directions than I wonder who I really am. It is like Dr. Jekill and Mr. Hyde multiplied.

But somehow between the many directions I need to perform in, I need to remember and rebuild who I really am. And even I am forced to be in many places and fulfill mine's and everybody's duties, dreams and expectations, I still need to remain firm and in one piece.

Maybe this was too in Frank's Herbert mind when he imagined Kwisatz Haderach, the one who can be many places at once, the only one able to look in the dark place inside sisterhood member's souls.

The spring without a name

2011-03-22T14:50:00.000+02:00

I wonder how the flowers will look like this spring.

The good thing about flowers is that you can always rely on their beauty.

Just pick one you love and wait for it every spring.

For my friend Mishu

2011-03-19T14:56:00.001+02:00

Simon 2006

In 40 years I had very few friends. Definitely much more women friends than men. You heard already this. But sometimes it just happen to meet some one you like, you start bonding and at some point you realize that the right word it is friend. So, this is for my friend Mishu, turning 33 today.

It is definitely the common passion for photography that made us bonding but leaving this aside I, and Camelia also, always felt him as a nice, warm, open, trustful and interesting person, always ready to help. He is also very close to my kids. And that's a story to be told.

In 2006 we went spent an weekend in the mountains celebrating our common good friend Marius. Mishu met with Runa, my 6 y.o. girl. It was love at the first sight. Especially because he spent the whole evening playing with her in the most craziest and exhausting way possible. Mishu was so exhausted from the crazy games that (as he told us next morning) he jumped into bed and felt asleep before actually touching the bed.

Next morning we left early and when going into car I have asked Runa "Don't you say good bye to Mishu?". "Who's Mishu?" replied her? I was so embarrassed than I try to solve the issue by saying this lousy excuse "You know, women are like this!" Five years after, they are still very good friends.

So, Mishu my friend, I can't think to a better birthday gift than saying publicly here that I am happy that you are my friend. See you tomorrow.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Auris 4000

2011-03-18T23:03:00.000+02:00

One of the reasons I am so good - and immodest I know:) - in my job is because I have a natural talent for geographical and topographic orientation. I have an almost unfailing photographic memory when it comes to places. Let me go just one time in a city and I will be able to go blindly next time. Like I have a GPS in my head.

But that's the thing. I don't like GPS. I love the maps. There is something about me and the maps. Corollary to my love for traveling I presume, but it should be more. A recently started to use GPS because of the easiness of usage and freedom Cami has with it ;) But I am still buying at least one map for any road trip I am taking. And God knows road trip is my kind of trip. That's how I got half of a case full with maps.

I recently made a Romanian road trip, a business trip in colleague's Auris. 4000 km and seeing most of the Romanian outdoor advertising inventory. So he was puzzled. Not only that I knew the street names and know how to find my way in any of cities we visited but I was still remembering most of the board addresses.

I think that all my passions, my skills and professional experience brought me back to this job. It's just to fit for me. And for the maps in my head.

The other half of the case is full with travel guides (mostly DK, my favorite). I have this habit, every time I go to an English or French speaking country I buy DK travel guides for the places I would love to see.

I guess I have to stop because the balance is to heavy for the ones I still haven't reach. I will need a bigger Auris for that.

My little angel is turning 10

2011-03-16T22:02:00.000+02:00

She was born on 2001, March 17th.

She grew up under our eyes

2002

2003

2004

2005

2006

2007

2008

2009

And now she's turning into a lovely young lady

Happy Birthday RUNA !!!!

Mom & Dad will always love you!

Lowest Point

2011-03-15T22:05:00.000+02:00

@ www.goodmansjourney.com

This is Badlands, Death Valley in Nevada, USA. The lowest, the driest and hottest spot in North America. Obviously this a dessert. You might remember about the almost mystic liaison between me and the desserts.

One of the reasons Death Valley is like this is its position under a rain shadow zone. "A rain shadow is a dry area on the lee side of a mountainous area. The mountains block the passage of rain-producing weather systems, casting a "shadow" of dryness behind them" @wikipedia. Funny enough, not very far away from Death Valley is Sequoia National Forrest Park, one of the most endurable and life friendly places on earth.

I wonder how often to we meet this situation in life? How many rain shadows do we seek or meet in life, preventing us from living to a happy relaxed zone and keeping us low, dry and exhausted?

I haven't been to Death Valley yet, so I haven't been to the lowest point. But I guess from that point on it would be only one way. Going up. And that's a comforting thought.

Love that has no opposite

2011-03-12T11:04:00.000+02:00

Madrid 2011

For many months my post about my non arguing relationship with my wife has been the most read on this blog. I recently read more of Eckhart Tolle's Power of Now book and here below is what he said about this. Once more it's validating what we have naturally felt and did.

"How many people does it take to make your life into a spiritual practice? Never mind if your partner will not cooperate. Sanity - consciousness - can only come into this world through you. You do not need to wait for the world to become sane, or for somebody else to become conscious, before you can be enlightened. You may wait forever. Do not accuse each other of being unconscious. The moment you start to argue, you have identified with a mental position and are now defending not only that position but also your sense of self. The ego is in charge. You have become unconscious. At times, it may be appropriate to point out certain aspects of your partner's behavior. If you are very alert, very present, you can do so without ego involvement - without blaming, accusing, or making the other wrong.

When your partner behaves unconsciously, relinquish all judgment. Judgment is either to confuse someone's unconscious behavior with who they are or to project your own unconsciousness onto another person and mistake that for who they are. To relinquish judgment does not mean that you do not recognize dysfunction and unconsciousness when you see it. It means "being the knowing" rather than "being the reaction'' and the judge. You will then either be totally free of reaction or you may react and still be the knowing, the space in which the reaction is watched and allowed to be. Instead of fighting the darkness, you bring in the light. Instead of reacting to delusion, you see the delusion yet at the same time look through it. Being the knowing creates a clear space of loving presence that allows all things and all people to be as they are. No greater catalyst for transformation exists. If you practice this, your partner cannot stay with you and remain unconscious.

If you both agree that the relationship will be your spiritual practice, so much the better. You can then express your thoughts and feelings to each other as soon as they occur, or as soon as a reaction comes up, so that you do not create a time gap in which an unexpressed or unacknowledged emotion or grievance can fester and grow. Learn to give expression to what you feel without blaming. Be present. Accusing, defending, attacking - all those patterns that are designed to strengthen or protect the ego or to get its needs met will then become redundant. Giving space to others - and to yourself - is vital. Love cannot flourish without it. When you have removed the two factors that are destructive of relationships: When the pain-body has been transmuted and you are no longer identified with mind and mental positions, and if your partner has done the same, you will experience the bliss of the flowering of relationship. Instead of mirroring to each other your pain and your unconsciousness, instead of satisfying your mutual addictive ego needs, you will reflect back to each other the love that you feel deep within, the love that comes with the realization of your oneness with all that is. Learn to listen to your partner in an open, nondefensive way. Give your partner space for expressing himself or herself. This is love that has no opposite"

Smiling life

2011-03-08T21:38:00.000+02:00

Bucuresti 2010

Today I have been asked by a good friend to meet after a long period in which we haven't met. She said that she feels so much positive energy coming out of Cami's and mine electronic activity that she would like to borrow some. Obviously I was happy and gladly agreed to it. And I smiled. Obviously. That's the thing about me, I am exhaling energy. And I keep smiling.

I don't know from where it comes from. I am wearing it almost permanently. Even when I am upset and stressed somewhere in the corner of my being there is a smile. I have even told been recently that smiling is a part of my job description, as redundant as this sounds :)

I recently came to the conclusion that even my face looks like I-can't-never-see-your-eyes face is like this because of my continuous smiling. I hope and plan and care that this will never stop. I have told my new colleagues that if I will ever loose my smile because on job issues than I will leave the company.

As for the future, rest assured, my little boy has it. He has this inner smile too. He is the smiling life itself. May this continue and be contagious to all people in my life.

To all the ladies in my life

2011-03-08T09:39:00.000+02:00

Happy 8 of March !!!

Bingo Boys

2011-03-08T09:31:00.000+02:00

I never imagined I can quote from such kind of music - very much not me. But for certain reasons it's extremely relevant to me these days.

"Living in a strange situation -
of too much talking about communication

So stop and listen!

Smile and quickly catch the vibe
open up and enjoy the ride
in no music day communication is the way
let's talk about a serious business
and our bitch is kill the listen
if the life is a situation of too much talk - no communication"

Sunday Fun

2011-03-06T20:18:00.000+02:00

Reading about Maya

2011-03-05T18:58:00.000+02:00

"Philosophically, the Maya believed that knowing the past meant knowing the cyclical influences that create the present, and by knowing the influences of the present one can see the cyclical influences of the future" (wikipedia)

Fascinating creatures!

Gorgeous 41

2011-03-04T00:49:00.000+02:00

Happy Birthday Cami !!!

Madrid 2011

Waltz. Op. #168

2011-03-01T23:14:00.000+02:00

Bucuresti, 2005

There is a saying like: "Small kids, small problems, big kids, bigger problems" As you know, I have 3 kids, of 10, 5 and 2 1/2 y.o, 2 girls and 1 boy so I am coming across all kind of problems.

Runa will soon be 10, she's in the 4th grade and starting to have self confidence issues mainly because of her teacher. I will not discuss here about her teacher or our beloved education system (don't start me into this because I am so furious these days that I won't stop until I hurt someone). This is about self confidence. And beware they don't teach or practice this in school.

Sometimes I find very difficult to explain in simple and convincing words to a 10 y.o. kid why the people are bad, why kids are mocking among themselves, why the contemporary moral values and behavior are not the right ones, why her teacher is doing or saying things even I can't accept or justify.

Runa is a very good kid, with very much common sense and good behavior, but somehow vulnerable for the jungle out there. I am always trying to motivate her and lifting her spirit but keeping her in the positive area of human behavior.

So here I am trying to justify why a gang of kids (spoiled enough most probably) she joined last December, when we finally afforded to send her in a ski holiday in Austria, was constantly laughing at her only because she was the last one on the ski slopes.

It came back to me then some of my own penitence, now faded out. So I gave her this example in which I have experienced the same kind of laughs and bad jokes during the years. Yet again, when you reach 40, and you have 3 great kids, a gorgeous wife, a personal, social and professional life satisfaction it doesn't matter that kids, people, so called friends or colleagues laughed at your 168 cm height. It's so unimportant that I married a 4 cm taller women.

And we are great in waltzing together :)

Photo Projects: window shopping

2011-02-24T22:28:00.000+02:00

Vienna, 2011

Monchique, Algarve, 2010

Burano, 2003

Roma, 2006

Stockholm, 2010

Sandham, 2010

Vienna, 2011

Colentina, 2009

(Un)Lucky Number 77

2011-02-24T02:18:00.000+02:00

Bellagio, 2010

I am not a gambler. I don't go to casinos, never joined the Friday poker night at Starcom or bet on any type of competition except of once in three years to National lottery. I once won an ironing machine in a promotion I never participate (but had a shopping card though). Except of that, never won something out of luck.

But all this changes when I am in Vegas. And I had been lucky enough :) to go there 4 times. It's becoming a frenzy. It's like an urge to try my luck. Is not that I am gambling but I am winning. Always on the slot machines. Only on the slot machines. Only on the Blazing 7s slot machines with a specific combination. I don't give a damn about blackjack rules or never tried to throw the dices. But I have a bullet proof technique on winning on my blazing 777.

My criteria: 1. I need to be alone; 2. I need to be in the Puparo mood. 3. It's technical (no of machines, time spend per machine, how many times I tap or pull the lever, how often I change them and so on and on). 4. Knowing when to stop.

In four times in Vegas I have always won. Not much but enough to get back important part of my shopping list in US. And constantly. You might think that point 3 & 4 above are the most important. It might be so. But I know that is about 1 (I never won if Cami stayed near me) but mostly 2.

Something happens when I am staying there and staring to the rotating lines and hearing the obsessive permanent machine sounds. Is like every number is a soul that interacts with me and I have the magical power to influence and stop it when and how I wont. It's maybe my pact with the devil and I grab my payment. Or it might be just a pure luck.

But sometimes, when I stay there and have the first 2 sevens lined up, in the remaing second until the last column needs to stop from rotating, I am thinking that maybe I am too manipulative to those souls and I need to let them go.

So, the number remains 77 only and I am loosing. But maybe that 77th soul is the most luckiest one. I might never find out the truth.

Betrayed Confidence

2011-02-20T17:34:00.000+02:00

Covasna, 2011

I hate when is happening and

I hate the fact I need to face this.

But I hate more that this happened,

so I will face this

Have a relaxed weekend

2011-02-19T02:05:00.000+02:00

Me as a teacher

2011-02-17T22:34:00.000+02:00

Prof Mircea Eremia, UPB, Energetica, 2005

Nobody was interested to hear about my sex life (thank God cause I don't know how I would have managed) so this is to you Alex.

I like to teach, I like to explain and lead people into discovering things. When I was a teenager I never thought I would be able to do this. Being a rather shy person during high school I never imaged myself pursuing a teaching career. It was only later, at the university, when I discovered and experience it.

I first try it in the last year of university and then, after coming back from France and passing my exams, my mentoring professor asked me to do some seminars on his behalf. So I was a 24 y.o. person explaining technical things to students one year younger. I remember only the huge fear I experienced in the first minutes and that, at the end of first month, a former colleague came to me saying something like " you know, my girlfriend is in your class, maybe you can help her a bit ..." See, is never to early to start being tempted in this country :( I still don't know why the professor had this confidence in me. I guess the fact I was working my ass off to help him DTPying his book had a role in it ...

Two years later, after starting my first real job in press distribution, I had a management course which I paid as a personal development initiative. Two weeks after I finished they asked me to keep this further as a teacher. Did I refused?

Then was the Word, Windows, Excel and Corel Draw classes. Can you imagine someone paid me to be a teacher for that? And also later happened that I performed public meetings presenting products and money making mechanism in a multilevel marketing organization I was very actively involved in back in 1996.

What's left of it? Nothing much of teaching techniques but some very useful experiences, the ability of talking fearlessly in front of bigger audiences, a very structured approach to the information and a logic way to present it. All this made my life very easy much later when I had to lead people or perform hundreds of presentations in front of new clients.

And hopefully this will help me in the most difficult task which began when my first kid reached the school age.

What it takes to be a man?

2011-02-16T23:21:00.000+02:00

The power of choosing.

Eiffel, 2002

The state of normality

2011-02-14T22:37:00.000+02:00

Mamaia 2011

I am passing through a very difficult period of my life. Mainly because of workload but mostly because of my attitude towards work and life in general. 500% commitment and involvement, strong will to succeed, no break and in an impossible state of mind that give me no peace and allow me no form of real relaxation. This persists for more than 3 months by now and I am really concerned about it.

In the middle of this period, last Friday we went for Petre & Andreea marriage. It was a shock. A lovely, surprising, normal weekend. Full of peace, love and normality. I forgot about problems, stress, addictions and any kind of troubles my mind is experiencing. At some point, before leaving for Bucharest we passed by the lake in the way for my relatives in Navodari.

I had to stop. I turned on the continuous line and pulled over to shoot this scene. Not only that was extremely photographic, not only that was amazingly interesting but it looked like my current life. Agitated, strong winds, hard to stay stable, not sure it is raining or it's sunny and me and all birds around me trying to escape. I stayed there and took some shots in the strong wind, looking at the strange lake all tormented, frozen and wet.

Two hours later we came back. Wind has stopped. Lake was looking as a regular lake in the winter. We said good bye to our friends. Small raindrops started to fall when we left. I drove peacefully for two hours in the dark before reaching our home. I had a profound and relaxed sleep.

Sweet state of normality, wish you stay around for good!

Quick Poll

2011-02-09T20:28:00.000+02:00

1. About Traveling

2. Sex Life

3. Being a parent

4. Me as a teacher

Resulted after a quick browsing on my unfinished posts.
I bet 10:1 I know which one would you chose :)

The confiscated you

2011-02-08T21:37:00.000+02:00

Cris, 2009

When I used to work in the media agency, like most of my ambitious colleagues, I used to work a lot. For those of you close to the media world it is clear that there is no other way. Not if you want to make it. An agency lives out its employees enthusiasm and out of the tremendous energy and individual and group ambitions. Lovely and inspiring world.

But I also remember very well that before I realized it had become too much. Way too much.

Like I-used-to-work-one-weekend-out-of-two-for-almost-two-years kind of too much. As you can imagine this was done by sacrificing on my family and my personal time.

I can't blame anyone but me for that, I don't regret it and I would do it the same And this is not a soft skill time management lecture I am trying to do here. Nor to blame any particular employer. This is not even about too much work.

This is about you. Or me. Or anyone of us letting someone or something confiscate ourselves.

Because when you reach the point when, due to work, ambition, love, vice or any other kind of addiction, you forget about your real needs, desires, principles or aspirations, than something has confiscated you.

And you might do your best to shine but on the inside the rottenness has started.

And it will take guts to face the truth and a tremendous amount of work and will to revert it.

Unparalleled World

2011-01-25T22:01:00.000+02:00

Sirmione 2008

How much of you lives in one world?

How often do you live in a world and dream and wait and plan and escape to your inner world? Is there a line you draw on purpose to separate them? And if yes, where is the real you?

There is no such thing. Duplication leads to tension. Duplicity leads to sickness. Escape is a chimera and leads to fracture.

There is only way. Integrity. There is no integrity in parallel worlds.

There is only one, unparalleled world.

And the will to see it.

End of the line

2011-01-14T23:36:00.000+02:00

Covasna 2010

Today my mother received her retiring decision. She worked for 31 years, 1 month and 12 days. She has been the most serious and dedicated state employee I ever met. She will get a ridiculous amount as pension. She called my today to tell me the news.

It was like a cold shower. Not that we are not happy and we were not expecting it but I realized that I am 40 this year and by the time I will see my kids grown ups I will have to retire too. I wouldn't dare to imagine the pension that I would get after working in all kind of employment (or better non employment forms) in the last 15 years.

It made me realize that I tend to care and do things without thinking too much of the future. It made me realize I need to close some chapters in my life, live fully the present and plan for a more balanced future.

It made me draw the end of some of my own lines.

To all my suffering friends

2011-01-13T22:28:00.000+02:00

Bucharest, 2010

THE JOY OF BEING. (Eckhart Tolle, A new Earth)
"Unhappiness or negativity is a disease on our planet. What pollution is on the outer level is negativity on the inner. It is everywhere, not just in places where people don't have enough, but even more so where they have more than enough. Is that surprising? No. The affluent world is even more deeply identified with form, more lost in content, more trapped in ego.

People believe themselves to be dependent on what happens for their happiness, that is to say dependent on form. They don't realize that what happens is the most unstable thing in the universe. It changes constantly. They look upon the present moment as either marred by something that has happened and shouldn't have or as deficient because of something that has not happened but should have. And so they miss the deeper perfection that is inherent in life itself, a perfection that is always already there, that lies beyond what is happening or not happening, beyond form. Accept the present moment and find the perfection that is deeper than any form and untouched by time.

The joy of Being, which is the only true happiness, can not come to you through any form, possession, achievement, person, or event – through anything that happens. That joy cannot come to you – ever. It emanates form the formless dimension within you, from consciousness itself and thus is one with who you are"

Blackout

2011-01-10T22:28:00.000+02:00

Sfanta Ana, 2011

What happens when you have to talk

about something you don't want to think?

How can you describe in words the desire you feel

to give up to thoughts?

No more silent screams

2011-01-04T23:03:00.000+02:00

Just God's music. Hear it in Space over Form

Reboot

2011-01-02T00:02:00.001+02:00

Sagres, 2010

I had several revelations in 2010 mostly about myself, my past and the the way it had influenced my development as a person and personality. I was very happy about my progress and started this blog to integrate the experience. But it was only in the end of the year when, after some accidental reading, I realized that all this is nearly futile. Because it's all about the form. And the form is just a futile creation of our restless mind fueling our ego. The thing I want to do less is focus on the form. The thing I will do do more is creating the space. Inner space. So, I will talk you more about Space over Form. See you there!

What were you thinking this time last year?

2010-12-31T20:57:00.000+02:00

IdidnotknewthatIwouldhave7holidayswithmywifealonethatIwillchangemyjobagainforanewadventurethatCamiwillbehiredagainthatourfamilywillbeshakenthatbotheofuswillstartbloggingandathtwewilllovethatIwillgotomybeloveddessertagainthatIwillchangemycaragainthatIwillstartgoingtomytherappysessionsagainthatIwillstarthavingyogalessonsthatIwillreadEckhartTolleandbeenlightedbyhimthatIwilltradeSofiatripswithVienatripsthatIwillgainandloseandwinagainsomemanyfriendsandcolleagues. And you?

Space will win over form (2011 resolution)

2010-12-31T18:27:00.000+02:00

Mestecanisul de la Reci, Covasna, 2010

Happy New Year!

2010-12-30T15:41:00.000+02:00

Covasna 2010

Satori. Day 29

2010-12-28T21:49:00.000+02:00

Florence, 2003

This is a homage to Eckhart Tolle. He says in his book " A New Earth"

CARRYING THE PAST
The inability or rather unwillingness of the human mind to let go of the past is beautifully illustrated in the story of two Zen monks, Tanzan and
Ekido, who were walking along a country road that had become extremely muddy after heavy rains. Near a village, they came upon a young woman who was trying to cross the road, but the mud was so deep it would have ruined the silk kimono she was wearing. Tanzan at once picked her up and carried her to the other side.
The monks walked on in silence. Five hours later, as they were approaching the lodging temple, Ekido couldn't restrain himself any longer. “Why did you carry that girl across the road?” he asked. “We monks are not supposed to do things like that.”
“I put the girl down hours ago,” said Tanzan. “Are you still carrying
her?”
Now imagine what life would be like for someone who lived like Ekido all the time, unable or unwilling to let go internally of situations, accumulating more and more “stuff' inside, and you get a sense of what life is like for the majority of people on our planet. What a heavy burden of past they carry around with them in their minds.
The past lives in you as memories, but memories in themselves are not a problem. in fact, it is through memory that we learn from the past and from past mistakes. It is only when memories, that is to say, thoughts about the past, take you over completely that they turn into a burden, turn problematic, and become part of your sense of self. Your personality, which is conditioned by the past, then becomes your prison. Your memories are invested with a sense of self, and your story becomes who you perceive yourself to be. This “little me” is an illusion that obscures your true identity as timeless and formless Presence.
Your story, however, consists not only of mental but also of emotional memory – old emotion that is being revived continuously. As in the case of the monk who carried the burden of his resentment for five hours by feeding it with his thoughts, most people carry a large amount of unnecessary baggage, both mental and emotional, throughout their lives. They limit themselves through grievances, regret, hostility, guilt. Their emotional thinking has become their self, and so they hang on to the old emotion because it strengthens their identity.
Because of the human tendency to perpetuate old emotion, almost everyone carries in his or her energy filed an accumulation of old emotional pain, which I call “the painbody.”
We can, however, stop adding to the painbody that we already have. We can learn to break the habit of accumulating and perpetuating old emotion by flapping our wings, metaphorically speaking, and refrain from mentally dwelling on the past, regardless of whether something happened yesterday or thirty years ago. We can learn not to keep situations or events alive in our minds, but to return our attention continuously to the pristine, timeless present moment rather than be caught up in mental moviemaking. Our very Presence then becomes our identity, rather than our thoughts and emotions.
Nothing ever happened in the past that can prevent you from being present now; and if the past cannot prevent you from being present now, what power does it have?

In psychotherapy, when the end of it approaches the subject is asked to do a form of integration of the experience. Usually is a practical thing. Some guys chose to draw something, others to make a collage or a model. I guess I have chosen to blog about it for one month.

I now realize that every post I wrote here is a form in which I have integrated one of the aspects of my past and moved on. With every thought here I have built a prison bar for my past and now it can safely be left there. So, I will move on and I will bring my subjects from my past and from my inside reactions based of my past to present tense and present feelings. Satori

Der kleine und das biest

2010-12-27T21:32:00.000+02:00

Back in October this year, Runa, my 9 y.o daughter was selected to be a part of the jury to Minimest, the kid section of Animest short film festival.

I sat for 6 hours in 3 days and watched with Runa and her cousin, Andrei, a ton of short animation films, all genres.

Eventually, the 3 little girls in the jury had to select one winner. I can't lie that I did not lobbied (among the other parents) for my favorite film but everyone agreed the the winner should be "Der kleine und das biest" (The little boy and the beast) Directors: Uwe Heldschotter, Johannes Weiland from Germany.

I did not realized fully at the time why it made such a strong impression on me. It's true that I have always been impressed about how broken parent relationships impact on kids. I have lived that unfortunately. I wished I had seen this movie when I was in need for it. Or, better, my parents.

I tried to find the video. There is only one on rutube, in Russian :( Below is a link in original German. No English translation but extremely easy to grasp.

http://wstreaming.zdf.de/tivi/300/091105_sie_ig_kleine_und_das_biest.asx

The impossible redemption

2010-12-26T19:09:00.000+02:00

Salzburg, 2007

The 12 miles church

2010-12-25T22:37:00.000+02:00

Observation Point, Zion, Utah, 2010

Some 6 months ago we had a very difficult moment with our 4 y.o. niece. She lost her ability to move her feet within a couple of hours. She had to urgently go to the hospital and been found with a rare and difficult form of myelitis. We were desperate. I made some phone calls, reached her doctors. News were not good. Not at all. I was terrified to tell anyone around about it.

I remember it was a Friday afternoon. I had no idea what to do. I just got out of the office and not taking the way to the parking underground but exit to the street. 5 minutes later I realized I was inside the church in front of the office. I sat there for 10 minutes crying. Someone gave me a napkin. I finished crying, got out, took the car and went home. 2 days later the crisis was already over, 1 week later she was out of the hospital. One month later she was running with her cousins, my kids.

I have never been religious. I am rather an agnostic person. I never go to church unless I visit them as a traveler or being a godfather (and have been quite often). I have no idea why I went to the church that day. But I felt good and eased. I felt close to Heaven.

After 4 months and 10,000 km away I felt again close to it. Not only because I have climbed up to 2,000 m height on a mountain, not only that I had the opportunity to make heavenly photos in an outstanding landscape but mostly that I was able to force myself to walk and climb for 12 miles pushing my very not trained body and spirit to the limit but being extremely happy that I overcame such a physical and mental effort. Felt like I scored some points for my place in heaven again.

Love doesn't live here anymore

2010-12-25T21:31:00.002+02:00

Rome, 2006

To all people around seeking for the new truth in their life.

Friends, I hope you will find it but, mostly, I hope you will really find yourselves.

Love and hate

2010-12-25T00:20:00.000+02:00

Walter Maracineanu, 2010

I have (and always had) a very close relationship to my mother. It was as close as it was distant the one with my father. I don't know if this was the reason or it happened in compensation but the sure thing is that I am close with my mother. She has always been around and always been there for me and my family for good and for bad.

I will be 40 next year and she's still around, living practically in our house, helping us raising my 3 kids. She's one of the reasons I have achieved so much in my life. Not only because of the education given by her (under very difficult family environment) but also for the great help and support offered in last years when I had to do a lot of work. And if you wondered how I can afford the time to travel alone or with Cami, now you know the reason.

I love her. And I owe her greatly. I am extremely fortunate to have this kind of mother. But sometimes it's overwhelming. The exacerbated feeling of duty, the continuous worry for all the things in the world she constantly transmits makes her proximity difficult. Especially when it comes in opposition with my desperate attempt to reduce the stress and rhythm of my life.

But 9 out of 10 times when I feel this is too overwhelming I remember that is not about her. Its about what life left from her, my father and their relationship in my soul and personality and how do I perceive everybody's behavior (including her) related my own psychologic features. I have worked very much and hard to understand how and why this happened but is still very difficult to remember and adapt. And every time I fail, I regret it very much.

Merry Christmas

2010-12-24T20:21:00.001+02:00

Fragility

2010-12-21T22:49:00.000+02:00

Delicate Arch, Utah, 2008

Tomorrow will be the 23rd day since I started this blog. Enough to ask myself a couple of times why I am doing this? I have started this out of a sudden impulse. I had the idea while brushing my teeth in the morning and, by 10 AM, I had already the blog design and the first post up. It just popped out of me. An then just kept going with 2-3 posts / day. Not bad for one of the most busy persons I know :) So, why the doubt?

Maybe is because of the year end tired feeling in my whole body, maybe because I had to face some criticism about my posts. Maybe is just human nature to question, doubt and be insecure sometimes about decisions. We are fragile. The great gift of thinking made us one of the most fragile beings on the planet.

The one thing I am sure about this blog is that I am his first reader. And as fragile as I might look to others I will continue this until I will be sure I have reached my purpose. (Has somebody counted the "I"s?)

De cealalta parte a zidului ...

2010-12-21T22:24:00.000+02:00

Beethoven Choral Fantasy

2010-12-18T22:29:00.000+02:00

The dream country

2010-12-18T22:07:00.000+02:00

Sagres, 2010

We love Portugal. Went there many times and enjoyed every time. People, places, weather, landscape, prices :) Cami is dreaming to live in Portugal. I actually started to think how we would do this. Money, job, house, kids. As you can imagine, a hard to solve equation.

Which reminds me that I had similar equations to solve many times in my life so far and, for different reasons, I always solved them by abandoning the thought. I could have stayed in France in 1995 pulling out a new scholarship after finishing the one in Grenoble. But I had to come back to my ex-girlfriend. I could have stayed in Germany in 1998 when my aunt insisted that I should stay there. But I could not stand her more than 3 days ... I could have tried Canada as many of my friends and colleagues around but my parents would have been destroyed.

My former high school colleagues have very interesting debates about why and why not someone should leave Romania. I always was ambiguous about it. Not too clear about why I should leave, not too determined to find a way. I stayed and I don't regret it as my great family and professional world are here.

What is clear for me is that I have (so far) 2 most preferred places on this planet. One is SouthWest in USA and I will visit it until exhaustion and second is Portugal. And we will live there sometimes.

Too many lost chances

2010-12-18T19:21:00.000+02:00

Viena, 2010

Your place on the map

2010-12-17T19:49:00.000+02:00

Bucharest, 2009 @ Mihai Dumbravescu, Marius Hanganut

In the summer of 2009 I had to spend one week in the hospital making some investigations because some recent heart condition suspicions. It turn to be an isolated event due to extreme fatigue and accumulated stress. But it has raised a BIG question mark on how I (but I guess this is valid for most of us striving through this very difficult and hectic times) live my life.

My case was typical. Nearly 40, busy manager, stressful life, high profile job, 3 kids, a house recently build, many private businesses. Zero care for personal health, food selection, sport activity or relaxation. Even holidays were furtive, busy and usually in rush.

As easy as it had been, the event was like a cold shower. I had one week then and many months after to think and reconsider my life. And I did. I did not stopped the rhythm (it would have been difficult), I did not left home and live the kids alone (God forbidden). I did the only thing which was actually missing. I put myself on the map.

Found time for personal care and interests. Mentally and physically. Started going to the gym regularly, taking some yoga lessons, allocated time for my hobbies, traveled more alone or with my wife. And, most of all, limited the amount of stress I allowed myself to accumulate. How? Just by not taking personally.

So, here I am, 18 months later, taking a much busy, higher responsibility & stressful job and being cool about it. Being involved 500% but without stress. And smiling. Because I know where I have put myself on the map. Do you?

Forgive all of our sins

2010-12-17T11:26:00.000+02:00

Viena, 2010

Feminine Nature

2010-12-14T18:18:00.000+02:00

Sarata Monteoru, 2004

I never had a boyfriend when I was a kid. A real one, in the very straightforward meaning of the word. Never experienced friendship between boys. Only later, when I was a teenager I started to discover affinities in books, music with some of my colleagues (Liviu, are you around?).

Maybe because I was a good child. Like very conventional, always listening to my mother (have you notice I never mention my father in this kind of memories?), never doing crazy, foolish, childish, stupid things kind of child. In the primary school, when my colleagues were playing football with empty cans during breaks, I was staying with the girls. I never did sports, went to a single camp in 15 years.

On the other hand, I have always been good with girls. Not in the Casanova way, not even close, but in the I-know-what-you-are-feeling kind of way. I am very well organized, very sharp in observing details, careful with personal appearance. I am empathic, intuitive and having a caring approach to people.

Some of my advisers opinionated that I have a feminine nature. I am very sure of that too. I don't really know why. Just know I am like that. Sometimes it helps me. Sometimes it doesn't. But I deal with that easily especially after I realized and accepted it.

But now I have a 2 y.o. son, a blond angel, living in a house full of women (2 sisters, one mother, one grandmother and the nanny). I am buying him tons of cars (which he likes) and balls. I can't stop him of being interested in what her sisters are doing with the lipsticks and makeups. I am often coming home after he goes to bed and have very few moments with him during a working week.

So I will have to work hard and be there for him as a masculine presence and model. But is not easy. I started by fighting the women around still dressing him with purple "bodies" because he still can use some of the sisters casual clothes. Will be a long distance run. Am I too paranoid about it?

The Silent Scream. Great lyrics, no music. Every Tuesday.

2010-12-14T08:29:00.000+02:00

I have climbed highest mountains
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you
Only to be with you
I have run
I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls
These city walls
Only to be with you

I have kissed honey lips
Felt the healing in her fingertips
It burned like a fire
This burning desire

I have spoke with the tongue of angels
I have held the hand of a devil
It was warm in the night
I was cold as a stone

I believe in the Kingdom Come
Then all the colors will bleed into one
Bleed into one
But yes I'm still running

You broke the bonds
And you loosed the chains
Carried the cross
Of my shame
Oh my shame
You know I believe it

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

The sun sees us all the same

2010-12-13T22:46:00.000+02:00

Starcom Office, 2002

Too old to learn

2010-12-11T19:03:00.002+02:00

Cheia, 2004

In 2004, when my former boss asked me to start a new division in the agency, in a direction I knew (excuse my french) shit about it, I went back to school. It was a distance school program from UK. Because of the urgent business need for skills I entered a 12 month program (instead of 24). It was very difficult. I was working anyway 1 out of 2 weekends because of huge workload and, at the time, I was having only Runa as a kid.

Obviously I was late. So, when I had no real space left, no more than 7 days before submitting an assignment, I took my folders, my laptop and went for 5 days alone in the mountains to study and write. It was one of a kind experience. I went to Cheia, it was February, heavy snow and cold. I was the only guest in the main hotel for 4 days, they could not run the central heating only for a customer so they brought me an electric heater in the room. I was going 3 times a day to eat, the cook was coming only for me, I was eating alone, winter dressed while looking at movies on my laptop. All alone.

For 4 days I read tons of files, books and notes. I was writing like a lunatic, going out only to eat. It was blizzard outside, extremely cold and nobody in the whole resort. After that period I decided that I am much too old to learn. At least not this type of learning. Recently I played with the idea of doing of MBA but I have decided against, mainly because, with my big family and busy professional schedule, it would have meant to do this, again, on my family and personal time.

Coming back to Cheia, after the 5 days I crossed the mountains and joined my colleagues team-building in Fundatica, the highest village in Romania. There I found out that I will be never too old to learn about myself and other people and, mostly about the huge power of personal belief.

When you see those women striving to the church at -20C degrees through the blizzard, staying in the stone cold church for hearing the priest just to give each other some of the things they cooked, it is impressive. I am proud I faced the cold to take this images. I am not proud that during the same day I broke the clutch of my new 4x4 car. But that's a shameful story for some other time.

Lost Memories

2010-12-11T14:03:00.000+02:00

Bucuresti, 2007

I have no memories below age of 12, meaning 6th grade. Nothing. Just some flashes of a bulky Volga taxi's backseat they put me into rushing to the emergency room when I fell with my butt in a piece of glass. Not the pain, not what happened to the hospital, just the taxi.

I know many things about the period from what my mother and relatives are telling me, from the old family pictures, but I don't remember a single thing.

I don't know if this is normal or not. Cami is remembering from the age of 3. Over the years I have developed an obsession about it. I have tried many things, made a lot of efforts and unfortunately a lot of suppositions.

Like any other activity when you dig for something, some other things will pop up. I had good surprises, bad surprises and discovered some things I am not very proud of and will take me a lot of time to integrate.

However, the discovering journey it is a destination in itself. But, thank you U2, I still haven't found what I am looking for. Have you?

Snow is coming ...

2010-12-09T22:09:00.000+02:00

Simon, 2006

Rule of thirds

2010-12-09T17:40:00.000+02:00

Feeling like an actor on a giant scene.

The walls seems so colorful that audience loose sense of the performance.

Photographic Modjo (My empty photo website)

2010-12-09T11:08:00.000+02:00

I love photography. For those of you knowing me or patient enough to click around this blog, this might be obvious already. I have started seriously taking pictures 9-10 years ago.

I do not have enough time to dedicate to it, therefore my subjects were always my 3 kids and my holidays. In late years I started doing photo dedicated holidays like my last tours in American Southwest.

I have invested a fortune in photo gear including my own photo studio in my basement. Probably to compensate the lack of time. I am quite knowledgeable about technical side of photography and I have a full library of photo books of famous photographers.

People and friends looking at my pictures says I am quite good at it. Photos posted on my Facebook account usually gets visited, commented and liked. My wife started her blog mainly on the pictures I am taking.

But I never had the courage to do a personal exhibition or to build my own photo website. Actually my wife built it but I am still resistant to populate it with images. I like most of the pictures I take, I put my heart into them when pressing the shutter or post process them. I have tons of them (see picture). But I am still considering myself conventional, obvious and too direct in what I transmit through them.

I still haven't found my photographic modjo. I would appreciate your sincere critiques and advices on that matter.

Most inspired gift

2010-12-08T21:20:00.000+02:00

Just received it tonight from Cami

A cup featuring a Canon 24-105 IS L lens !!!

vs. original

I just love it !!!

Naked

2010-12-07T22:55:00.001+02:00

Have you ever had the feeling that someone can really see inside yourself?

Like taking a look at you, spending some time and then tell you the most intimate details of your soul and mind?

How would that affect you?

To me is scary. There will be no place to hide, no excuse to make after that.

The Silent Scream. Great lyrics, no music. Every Tuesday.

2010-12-07T12:24:00.000+02:00

All this feels strange and untrue
And I won't waste a minute without you
My bones ache, my skin feels cold
And I'm getting so tired and so old

The anger swells in my guts
And I won't feel these slices and cuts
I want so much to open your eyes
'Cause I need you to look into mine

Get up, get out, get away from these liars
'Cause they don't get your soul or your fire
Take my hand, knot your fingers through mine
And we'll walk from this dark room for the last time

Every minute from this minute now
We can do what we like anywhere
I want so much to open your eyes
'Cause I need you to look into mine

Tell me that you'll open your eyes

SNOW PATROL

St. Nicolas's Garage

2010-12-06T22:44:00.000+02:00

Bucuresti, 2010

I got 18 cars in 11 years. Had my first one when I was 27 and I met my wife. It was her car, an old Oltcit. There is something with me and cars and would not say that is just a boy stuff. It couldn't be just that. As you can imagine I lost a small fortune only from just buying and reselling some many cars.

It was a madness. Every 6 months I was starting to scrutinize auto websites falling in love with some new model. I was reading all auto magazines, knowing everything about every new model, going to dealers, comparing prices, looking after them in the streets. My wife was exhausted, but still understanding. She was changing her car every time I was deciding to change it (imagine her going from a Mini to a BMW 5 estate series). But why?

If you are interested in dreams, you might now that the cars means affect, feelings. Was I trying to fulfill a subconscious need of being loved? I am considering myself a lucky man as I am loved by (almost) everybody. Was I trying to impress? Probably, as I kept buying bigger, faster and fancier cars. But I am not really a show off person. Was I trying to adapt the car to my ever growing family :)? Probably, but not totally true as I bought a 2 doors sport car soon after I heard I will have my 3rd kid.

I don't know the real answer. What I know is that there are 3 years since I last bought a car and 2 years since I last sold one. I consider myself wise and mature now and buying a car only when needed.

Hmm, then how do you explain my garage in the basement? Freshly bought from USA, just in time for St. Nicolas.

No arguing relationship

2010-12-06T18:10:00.016+02:00

I am priding myself of being married for 11 years and not having a single argument (n.b. cearta) with my wife. OK, we had one but was with a good outcome (Mara, my second daughter) and I do not count it :).

My secret? It's simple:

1. Unconditional love

2. 100% respect

3. Whenever you feel like arguing, shut your mouth and think again. It will never come out on the same tone and you will find smoother ways to make your point without arguing.

Sometimes, I fail. I let the stress, the outside factors interfere with our life and thoughts. And even if we don't end up arguing (she's very wise about it too) I regret it every time. But points #1 & #2 will always be true.

What prevents us from being fully ourselves?

2010-12-05T19:22:00.000+02:00

A great interview with Lise Bourbeau. Check her book too. You may find it in Romanian also.

Father & Son

2010-12-05T11:18:00.001+02:00

Balilesti, 2010, @ Marian Iorga

I had a very difficult relationship with my father. For as long as I remember back in my childhood and until 2 years ago when I was emotionally mature enough to set a kind of relationship which allow us at least to stay in touch.

Reasons are multiple. Both sides. From him being away or absent for too long, from me taking a too decided side during my parents divorce 7 years ago, to him not knowing how to establish an emotional relationship and me being too proud to understand and accept him. Details are too personal and not really important. That's a very common story unfortunately these days.

There were and still are many marks left in my soul, mind and personality by this situation. It took me more than 3 years to analyze, understand and accept what happened and how was I affected since childhood by that. Now I am calm and cool about it. Not upset, nor mad. No regrets or desire to for any kind of revenge.

Just a wise understanding and acceptance. And a commitment in front of my own conscience that my son will not have any reason to write this kind of things 30 years from now.

Ode to imperfections

2010-12-04T17:31:00.000+02:00

A very sad and touchy video but a reminder of how imperfections in our life are sometimes the ones which makes it great

My interior desert

2010-12-04T15:33:00.003+02:00

Monument Valley, Utah 2008

Last 4 years were particularly difficult in our life with many, many events, both good or difficult. October 2008 was the moment when, within the same month Radu, our 3rd child was born, we finished building and moved into our new house and I have changed my job. It was a bit too much for me. I was exhausted physically, emotionally and mentally. So I left.

Second day after we moved into the new house I left my wife (and my mother) with 100 huge boxes in the basement, 3 kids, last one being 1 month old. I left for my beloved desert in American Southwest. But actually I left to found myself my interior desert.

I was 5 times in USA, 4 of them on the axis Mohave Desert, Grand Canyon, Lake Powell, Canyonlands. It is something with attracts me irresistibly there. Some might say I have lived there in my other life. I just think I like the freedom given to me by the wild, huge desert landscapes. It's dry, dusty, reddish but I feel like breathing there. Have you remarked my words? Freedom, Space, Breathe.

There is a well know difference between men and women but few of us and much few of the couples are able to remember and respect. Women need attachment, Men need space. Personal space. It can be a place, a hobby, going out with the boys, sport, any way in which he can be for some time alone. Men need to stay away and just be alone. It does not mean that commitment is dropping or any other type of misbehavior. It's just human nature.

To all my women readers today, married or not, but especially for the first ones, give your man some space. He will go away and come back 10 times more attached and loving.

I know, Cami is an angel. Not only for surviving my trips, but for understanding me in all my "madness". My trips, my outrageous expenditures on photo gear, my 20+ cars in 10 years and the list is much longer. Is she happy? Have a look

The book I would have written

2010-12-04T00:44:00.000+02:00

Just bought it this evening. Will keep you posted !

Mss. Croatian Taxi Driver

2010-12-03T19:40:00.001+02:00

Sirminone, 2008

Yesterday was a good day. A crazy, hectic, tiring but good day. I had my first company board meeting in my new professional role. Both planes to Vienna were delayed because of snow but I made it home one hour after midnight, enough to get 5 hours of sleep before this Friday. Meeting was good. I have prepared and delivered some presentations, discussed them for 3 hours. Relatively smooth and friendly.

In any case not according to the HUGE pressure, preparation and tension I had experienced in the weeks before. I spend nights, weekends trying to work out every detail, every PowerPoint line and table being afraid that I might not convince those guys or forget a detail or an answer. Even after the meeting was over I was scrutinizing for flaws in my presentation, still feeling tense.

And here we are, meeting finished, taking a taxi to the airport. An orange Prius, partially-electric car. Young women as a driver. Perfect English. Lovely smile, addictive laughing. Driving like a cowboy. Gas pedal to the floor, flashing everybody, horning. "Fuckers, oops sorry". Trying to overpass everybody everywhere. Can you imagine this, in the quiet, decent, respectful Vienna? I couldn't. Someone was driving reasonably fast in front. "Haideee..." WHAT? That's a Romanian word. "Oh, no I am a Croatian, and this is the way I like to drive, this is who I am". And the police? "Catch me if you can, I am an excellent driver, I have no fear".

Indeed she hadn't any. Living as she liked, laughing. Why shouldn't she? Why shouldn't I? Or you? She had no fear of failing. Why should you? I guess is a straight forward conclusion to this: "You are good, be confident, be yourself, don't be afraid of failure"

It's amazing how many life lessons one might get in a taxi, we should tell those stories more often.

Road to Perfection

2010-12-01T13:42:00.001+02:00

Utah, 2010

Interesting talk on yesterday. How much in your life you seek for perfection? How much energy and commitment do you put on achieving it? And, more important, how much desperation and failure feelings do you experience when you think you haven't reach it?

Perfection is like the infinite line. It exists, it is there, but you can't reach it. So if you are a "perfectionist" like I am, allow yourself some space. You will never reach it and the real danger is to assume failure.

The real perfection would be a continuous improvement. And I salute all of you who did not stop to improve yourselves in whatever areas you think you have to.

To all my colleagues reading this: Don't be to relaxed because of it :)

The Silent Scream. Great lyrics, no music. Every Tuesday.

2010-11-30T22:19:00.000+02:00

There's a kid who had a big hallucination
Making love to girls in magazines.
He wonders if you're sleeping with your new found faith.
Could anybody love him
Or is it just a crazy dream?

And if I show you my dark side
Will you still hold me tonight?
And if I open my heart to you
And show you my weak side
What would you do?
Would you sell your story to Rolling Stone?
Would you take the children away
And leave me alone?
And smile in reassurance
As you whisper down the phone?
Would you send me packing?
Or would you take me home?

Thought I oughta bare my naked feelings,
Thought I oughta tear the curtain down.
I held the blade in trembling hands
Prepared to make it but just then the phone rang
I never had the nerve to make the final cut.

Puparo

2010-11-30T21:24:00.000+02:00

Cluj 2002

I had many nicknames during the years. From high-school, university, and almost every company I worked for. Not bad for the-not-so-popular-kid I use to be once. They sounds better in Romanian but a rough translation would be The Master (Jupanu'), The Godfather (Nasu' Mare) - thx Rucs - or The Colonel. But the one which I remember most and played a major role in my life was "Puparo".

It seems that Puparo was a character from the italian TV series about mafia "La Piovra". A very discrete, quite, calm killer. Which never stands out but very efficiently "resolve" his victims. Honestly, I never understood why they named me like that, did not associated me with this and never really liked that nickname. I finished the university and nobody was there anymore to remember it, so I forgot about it.

More than 10 years after, after a series of psychology books reading, it suddenly came to my lips when I decided to name my alter ego, my dark side, the interior force pushing me into directions I wouldn't want to go. It came naturally, just like that. Puparo.

Puparo is everything I am not. He is twisted, dark, having its own agenda, constantly dripping in my life doubts, insecurity and fears. Recognize the feeling? The outcome of naming it Puparo was that suddenly I had a name for my enemy. It had a name, a shape, a behavior and I was ready and knowledgeable how to fight with him.

Sometimes it helps. Look into you, try to isolate your inner sabotage agent and name it. We ALL have a Puparo inside of us. Just identify it, find a name for it and half of the battle is won. Of course, the schizophrenia awaits around the corner. But that's a story for some other time.

Les Egouts de Paris

2010-11-30T10:13:00.001+02:00

Florence 2003

When I was 23 in my last year of University (btw, I am an engineer working in media, but that's common around here) I got a scholarship in Grenoble, France for 6 months to made my final diploma work there. From technical and content point of view was a disaster. Complete failure. Defaillance. But that's another story. Maybe some other time I'll tell you that story too.

This story is about Dixi's and mine attempt to save some lost souls around us. Dixi (Diana) was a Romanian student working there to pay for her studies, a nice, welcoming friend for many generations of students. (Dixi if you ever read this, it will be great to get back in touch). For reasons which proved later to be false (at least in my case) most of our18 colleagues contingent had chosen us to be their confident. The persons and the place they can talk, cry, spill all the frustrations, problems and sadness they gathered in the unusual situation of being far from home and loving ones for so long. Now is more common but then and there, some very young persons not use to travel living suddenly in a western country (compared to our18 years under communist regime), this generated LOTS of issues.

Love, affairs, romance, money, study, relationships everything was troubled. Somehow they considered me more emotionally stable and wiser so they started the pilgrimage at my student dorm room. For hours, days months. Up to the moment I was accumulating so much negative energy I started to have nightmares. Not mine but others. I was happy. Alone, but happy, writing long love letters to my girlfriend, listening music to my new stereo (btw, I completely trashed my debit card in 6 months up to the moment I had to bet my return train ticket on a bank check on a completely void bank account; Bank sued me and my parents had to borrow money to pay my debit for 2 years) and trying to listen and comfort everybody. At some point it was too much.

Then I found Dixi and we realized we are having the same issues. We made it officially and organized and started this lost soul foundation we named it after the sours of Paris. So, for 3 to 4 months we were the psychologists of the group. Only many many years later I came to realized the effect left on me and that sometimes all of us, including myself, need someone's help.

I realized then that I am good at and love to understand and help people. I'll keep telling you my stories and maybe you will find some comfort and help in them.